By the time fourth or fifth grade hit I had some idea about statistics and probabilities. I understand that if I needed A and B to happen and that the chance of A was 1 in 6 and B was unrelated to A and the chance of it happening was 1 in 3, that the chance of both happening at the same time was 1 in 6 times 3. I used to answer a friend’s questions, “Do you think you will take a trip in June?” with responses like. “80% yes.” But despite this, I was a Determinist. Determinism is the belief that all events are caused by prior events including those classified as “free will” or “chance”. The real question is can we know in advance. 
We have  gotten the way we are by previous events and our experience and physicality and the rest of the world determines how we will act. I am still a determinist, but it has become less important in my life. I am not sure it could be less important. 

One of the more pressing mental issues in my life is that I have some good dose of some form of ADHD. Likely I will need to bring this up later, separately, but it does have an impact on motivation. At times my motivation for dealing with even pressing problems can be non-existant. Sometimes I am beyond not motivated, but motivated to not deal with the pressing problems. It is not always rational. But it does happen in my head.

Even by fourth or fifth grade consciousness of these issues was at least in part there. I had a hard time getting going on things, often even fun seeming things.  Being a determinist I thought maybe I was preordained to have no motivation. There seemed no reason to do anything. I decided that I better test it. I sat down. I did nothing. I really cannot say how long this lasted. Buddhists say that the Buddha meditated for 49 days. I likely did not last 49 minutes. I did last more than 49 seconds. My motivation to test lack of motivation was low. 

In sitting contemplating not having any motivation I came to some conclusions.

1. I was bored just sitting.
2. Sitting was not being much fun.
3. My butt hurt
4. Maybe I was preordained to have motivation to do something.
5. Maybe my current state wanted fun.
6. I was not preordained to have motivation to only sit.
7. It did not take long but I decided that true or not, determinism was not very much fun. I did find that the determinism was not easy to explain to others my age.   I got up and did something. 

I have heard many arguments against determinism. None really hold water for me. As a child adults gave me irrational arguments about it. There are other arguments but I have not found any that stick. Simply stated most of these arguments are that because you cannot observe a state without changing it you cannot know what the condition is that will bring about the next position. Just because you cannot know it, does not mean it does not exist. Because you cannot determine what will be does not necessarily mean that it is not predetermined by the previous state. I find it hard to believe that anyone thinks these arguments hold water. 

Perhaps it will come up again, but these thoughts lead me to think about models and scientific theories,,, how they are approximations always. I have generalized this with the following statement. The particle/wave dichotomy in physics is one of these. Clearly the model was too simple. I think it still is. I cannot know. But its what I think. 

“The only adequate model for how anything works is the entire totality.”